dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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