I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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