Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
