getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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