i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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