so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
