i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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