Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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