thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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