i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
