i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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