I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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