I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
