If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
