If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
