i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You pole danced in your parka.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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