her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
