how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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