o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
