someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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