Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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