he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
