Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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