She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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