Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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