I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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