Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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