My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
