girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
