Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
