oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
