im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
