So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
please come you make the beer taste better
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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