I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
