I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
