im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
