my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
