dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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