theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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