i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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