I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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