your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
