Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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