you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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