Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
