I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she pinky promised me she was 18
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
