Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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