FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
