she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
