fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
