He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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