god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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