if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
