I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
