How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
