The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
