I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Boobs speak an international language.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
