I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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