so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
