Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
