Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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