you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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